Funeral Poems and Readings
Most families ask about a poem at some point. Usually it is because their own words are not arriving, and somebody else has already written something close to what they mean.
A reading also gives the person speaking something to hold onto. And it gives everyone else a minute to sit with their own thoughts, which is difficult to do while a person is talking off the cuff.
Below are the readings New Zealand families choose most often, and what each one tends to be used for. If none of them fit, we can help you look further, or help you write something of your own.
How to choose a reading
There is no rule about what belongs at a funeral. Families choose traditional verse, modern writing, song lyrics, scripture, a letter, or a story told from memory.
The readings that land are almost always the ones that sound like the person. Their humour, their beliefs, the way they actually talked. A famous poem read because it is famous rarely does as much as three lines from a card they once wrote.
A eulogy is a different job again. That is the account of someone’s life, given by a person who knew them, and it usually runs longer. A poem often sits just after it, to give the room a breath.
Some practical things worth knowing. Most readings run one to three minutes. Two or three readings across a service is a comfortable number. And ask the person who is going to read it whether they honestly think they can, because plenty of people say yes and then cannot get through it on the day. Having a second reader ready is not a lack of faith in them, it is planning.
Classic funeral poems
These are the readings we hear most often, and what families tend to use each one for.
Death Is Nothing at All, Henry Scott-Holland. The best known of them. It speaks about the person still being nearby, and about carrying on using their name in the ordinary way. Usually read by a family member rather than the celebrant.
Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep, Mary Elizabeth Frye. Short, calm, and with no faith content. It works at a graveside and at a cremation farewell.
She Is Gone, read as He Is Gone where it fits, David Harkins. Modern, and the most direct of the popular readings. It asks people to choose remembering over grieving, which some families find steadying and others find too soon.
Afterglow, Helen Lowrie Marshall. Gentle, and written in the voice of the person who has died. Chosen often for someone who had a long life.
Remember Me. A short reading that suits both religious and non-religious services. [TBC: which “Remember Me” families ask for]
Contemporary and non-religious readings
Many families want something that sounds like this century, or something with no faith content at all. That might be a poem, a set of song lyrics, a passage from a book they loved, or a few lines written by somebody in the family.
Karakia and waiata
Karakia and waiata are not decoration at a tangihanga. Karakia open and close what happens, and waiata carry what speech on its own cannot. Whānau lead this, and a reading usually sits alongside it rather than in place of it.
We arrange services with Māori families across Wellington, at our chapels, at home and at a marae. Early in the arrangements, we will ask about the karakia and waiata that are important to your whānau and build the service around them. [TBC: cultural review and sign-off]
Pacific funeral traditions
Pacific funerals in Wellington differ a great deal between Samoan, Tongan, Cook Islands, Niuean and Fijian families, and between churches within each of those. Hymns and scripture usually carry more of the service than any single reading does, and the church often sets the order.
Our team has arranged services for Pasifika families across Wellington. Tell us which church and which traditions matter to your family, and we will work with your minister on the order of service. [TBC: cultural review, and whether the list of Pacific communities is right]
Short words for a graveside or a plaque
Some moments need one line, not a poem. A graveside committal, a private farewell, an inscription on a plaque, or the last line of an order of service.
A line they said themselves usually does more than any of these. If there is a phrase your family has heard a hundred times, use that instead.
When nothing quite fits
Our team can often identify a reading from a remembered line or a general feeling. We will help you find words that feel fitting for the person and the service.